Plastic charades.

Entries for September, 2009

September 5, 2009 //SOBER

I still have you on my breath.

My heart is overflowing with joy and content with where I'm at. This is something I've always dreamt of, but my back is turned...

... to you.

You're like alcohol. You're an addiction. I get high on your love and kindness and believe I can do anything. I see things in life that don't exist. I see a different world.

And then the effects wear off, and I don't take another sip. And that warm, fuzzy delight I had in my stomach stretching up my neck, into my thoughts... disappears. My brain is no longer spinning with an eager delight. Rather, it is replaced with a human, believable content. I am sober, and happy.

This has never happened before. I don't know how to deal with this. I never thought I could be happy without you.

I am sober, God. I am sober. And I'm not supposed to be. But I don't want to be addicted. To be addicted is to be lonely. To be so obsessed with this greatest treasure, this bottle of your blood, caressed in my arms like a newborn child, that I fail to wait for others to catch up. I spin and run off with your love, and believe in things others don't.

I am the bad kid. I try to get others to take a sip, but they're content knowing the bottle exists and keeping it in their closet.

I have thrown mine out the window. I WANT TO BE SOBER.

I WANT TO BE SOBER.

I don't want to breathe this stench of my breath onto others. They're grossed out. I stink. After all, you were poor. The smell of your breath is pretty nasty. You've given me your bitter breath.

But you and I danced once, in the desert. My head rested on your shoulder. And then, you looked into my eyes, and these windows shattered. You breathed in me. I could never see the world the same again.

And now, I act sober, but the permanent stain is on my tongue. I am marked. I cannot turn back.

But I'm not ready to become addicted... again.

Posted by Carrie @ 08:44 PM // Add a comment. September 6, 2009 //The butterfly likes a boy.

The butterfly likes this boy. She's a jerk. Boys do that to girls. Somewhere in the processing of manflesh and self and insecurity, girls become jerks when they like guys. A zipper is cemented to her lips. Duh. And I'm not yet a language easy for her to read, but I am getting closer and closer to English. Pha. Not going to care.

Well maybe, but I do need to hit the hay eventually. Not esperando until 3 again. So what, I'm a jerk too. Oh well, I can deal with it. ENFP soul.

Walked through the darkness whispering "A-hole." OC is an interesting place. I like it here.

Posted by Carrie @ 01:11 AM // Add a comment. September 6, 2009 //I miss Hannah.

My physical Facebook status read "I miss Hannah." And she didn't see. Today I erased it out of shame.

So screw the world today. Hopefully then the heavens will come down and convict me for all my shit.

Blech.

Posted by Carrie @ 11:57 AM // Add a comment. September 6, 2009 //Hmm.

I'm a jerk.

Hannah's just intrigued. I get that way sometimes too. In this big manifesto of emotion and pretty eyes, you lose your perception of others for a bit.

Its okay. She'll be back.

I hope.

Posted by Carrie @ 02:39 PM // Add a comment. September 6, 2009 //La Iglesia con Mariana

Yo pasé todo el día con Mariana y su novio y hermana. Su novio se llama Edgar y no recuerdo como se llama la hermana. Salimos a las 3 de la tarde para La Amistad. Tuve menos problemas entendiendo que tenía la semana pasada. Yo podía entender casí 50-60% de lo que estaba diciendo el pastor. Tuvimos comunión juntos - fue muy interesante - tenía mas sentido en español que en inglés. Yo hablé con una mujer en la iglesia despues de la segunda parte, ella era muy simpática.

Yo tuve un tiempo maravillosa. Y en el carro escuchabamos música muy alta. La hermana de Mariana estaba bailando y me preguntó si podía bailar también. Yo le dijo que no, jeje. Despues de llegando a la cafetería, cenabamos juntos, hablando, y bromando. Fue muy interesante. Yo creo que mañana tengo que preguntar a Profe Clark muchas cosas. Yo aprendí muchisimo.

In other words, the day was young, but now is old. If only, if only I had spent some of it with the butterfly. Se extraño mucho.

Posted by Carrie @ 08:08 PM // Add a comment. September 7, 2009 //Me.

There's this gulp in the bottom of my throat. It goes up and down, I attempt to swallow it, but I can't. Anoche. Red poured down the right. Deeper than I thought.

Hope crawls out of my stomach and I am ashamed. Who am I?

女儿

Who am I to have this name, and yet carry destruction as a veil to my very light?

I lose my worth in my defense.

Dios mío, ¿donde estás? Estoy aquí para tí.

[Audience of One[ by Rise Against. How true. Blech.

Posted by Carrie @ 09:44 AM // Add a comment. September 7, 2009 //Robert.

He's towering and handsome, with a hint of mystery. His hair wings out, as if he were a different sort of creature... a different kind of human. His eyes look into you and the world, with a calm serenity that keeps the hope in my throat still, this moment still.

I feel like I can't penetrate the surface, though his eyes ripple like pools of genuinity. He holds himself aloof, to prevent himself from zooming in on the wrong piece of his world.

I quite admire him.

Posted by Carrie @ 12:17 PM // Add a comment. September 8, 2009 //Antes?

My hands red, my face white, filled to the brim with the density of the emptiness.. lack.. of.. what.. was..

Antes?

But was what filled me up before the truth or a disguised form of self-acceptance? I don't know what to think, and alas, I lack the bread of thought.

Where is my promised in all of this?

Posted by Carrie @ 11:48 PM // Add a comment. September 9, 2009 //Mom..

I love you mom. More than I admit, you make sense. Everything you say I have come to understand.. I was always soaking it in, but at a different level. Now I feel it. This is the world, and this is me, and you are you, and you will always be my mom.

I would ask you why you're so patient, but hey, I'll wait in hopes that I will understand one day and be able to really love others like you love them.

Dang you for always being right. I don't know what I would do without you.

Posted by Carrie @ 05:55 PM // Add a comment.

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