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August 17, 2009 //My blind spot.

My head filled with a thousand suggestions of what to feel, I try to grasp what has happened in my heart. Is any of this real? An illogical solution to my mind's empty pollution has promised me something more, but I am finding it an empty path, an empty promise, and what I intended for my dreamsis being hidden beneath the smoke blown from my first cigarette.What I do in the dark, no person can see, and last night has proven to me, that even I am aware of my own blindness. I breathe in more destruction, blow it out slowly, trying to see in the darkness the effect of this late hopeful action. I want to be human... but alas, I am still lost, and there is nothing to be found. After all, it is only smoke.

Posted by Carrie @ 03:00 PM // Add a comment. August 17, 2009 //The ritual of boredom

In my stale ritual I guard my heart with dreams of an adventure of which I am incapable of rendering. My tendency towards dissatisfaction and my endless desire for the romantic life draws me nearer and nearer to my own destruction.

But in the meantime, I have a small, sarcastic hope that resides in the back of my throat. And as much as I attempt to swallow it whole and commit myself to pure destruction, I instead find myself incapable of doing so and am forever torn between good and evil, wavering between the two extremes.

I have no surface. I am the air. Hopeless, cold, but I move things.

Posted by Carrie @ 06:35 PM // Add a comment. August 17, 2009 //Who God is... to me.

He is the ultimate reality. Among his names are "conqueror, ultimate lover, picture of perfection, healer, challenger." He is in this world, much saddened by the depth of our sin and our failure to see him, yet working for us and in us in every moment.
He challenges us

To a new life, to follow desperately, almost in madness, in a way that doesn't make sense to the world or even to us
But we do so because of his love for us
We worship in awe, out of the rawness of our hearts, not out of words put into our mouths by someone else.
We talk to him to feel human. He is our very definition.

He is the love of my life. Please don't disappoint me by telling me this is nothing. I don't know if I could handle that.

Is life really worth living?

Posted by Carrie @ 08:58 PM // Add a comment. August 19, 2009 //An old friend.

An old friend, whom I once watched with intrigue as he denied my invitation in order to stand in the pouring rain to finish his beer and cigarette, paid a visit yesterday. He broad shoulders and proud demeanor were so far opposed to his actual ability that I couldn't help but laugh.

My mother and I giggled as he and his cousin struggled to complete the simple task set before them. Scaredy-cats.

A hint of affection resided in his voice as he asked, "Can't get dirty, huh? City slicker." I wonder what that means.

Beth is right. There is something inside my soul that can't help but believe that I can fix him. But he doesn't want to be fixed, and he shouldn't be. There is a beauty about his brokenness that makes me just want to sit, indian style, below him, and just observe how he perceives reality.

I feel like I am welcome to sit next to him, like I belong. Even though we are two ever-so-very-different people, he has an appreciation for me. He does not understand, but thats not the point. I do not understand God, yet I still look up in awe at his beautiful face.

Let's get this straight: I am not comparing him to God.

I'm just saying, he treats people better than most Christians I've met.

Posted by Carrie @ 11:11 AM // Add a comment. August 19, 2009 //Star-gazing.

Anoche.

I was beaten down my my mother's facial expression, and I retreated. Then the objects of my affection - the four - came and one requested an embrace. How could I deny?

This true, abnormally long, perfect token of appreciation restored within me an intimate desire to screw responsibility and jump in the car.

So I packed my things, kissed my mother's angry lips, and left.

The little fireball and I had quite the convo. Then finally, we advanced, we followed our troops led by the giant, only because his silhouette against the sky was the most easily visible. We gazed longfully at the stars, but I was disturbed by how small the world seemed. My pride was obvious and disturbing, so I changed the subject to my 6-stringed love.

I sang meaningless worship skillfully and wondered why my tendency towards playful words was so unappreciated.

God reigns and I am in a corner, hoping he doesn't notice or care. But at the same time, I take intense delight that he is seeking me out. I know I should cease my game of hide-and-seek, but it is to my great joy.

Posted by Carrie @ 11:23 AM // Add a comment. August 19, 2009 //Double contradiction.

I am quite capable, I just need the motivation to do what contradicts my artist soul.

Now I must add and subtract and collect and deposit and straighten things out. Crooked walls closing in won't trap me inside as long as I keep running.

Posted by Carrie @ 02:48 PM // Add a comment.
2009/09 »