Its been a long time since I wrote in this journal. So much is changed... yet reading back, so much is still the same.

I'm struggling with the silence cause I've been sick for two days... and when its just me and silence and God I go a little crazy over that long cause I just can't stop thinking. Well I imagine things will be better tomorrow when things get back to normal.

Well, I want to be a pastor... actually, I didn't decide that.. God did... it was an amazing feeling. I imagine that experience I will never forget.

I've wrote some pretty amazing songs these last few days.. I really should go and play them again.

My throat is feeling better. Yay!!

I read some pretty amazing Proverbs today. Yeah. Pretty much. Those people definitely knew what they were talking about. (God knows what he's talking about.) I think I need to learn to take things in one at a time so that I don't go overboard and go wacky on everybody (including God.) I should make a list.. a to-do list.. not a normal one, but like goals for the week, for my life, etc... like work on pride... or play piano at the nursing home or stuff like that.

As a matter of fact, I'll be doing that now. Adíos!!

I came home from Hope's, did some farm work, then later I logged onto YIM and I started talking to Hope. She was upset because she had told her mom that she wanted to move in with her dad. I told her she was one of the strongest people I know. That I wanted to scream at God for making this happen to her. She needed someone there so I told her I was on my way.

When I got there I gave her a hug. Then we went to the computer and Hope asked Cole is he knew where mom was. He said he didn't know and then asked her what was wrong. She said nothing. Then Cole asked me if I knew and I said yes but its up to Hopie. He waited for Hope to answer, but she didn't so he left. Hope was still really mad at her mom. She talked to a few people, then I suggested we go upstairs so we did. We talked about it for a bit, then I asked her to write a letter to her mom while her anger was still fresh in her mind. I think that helped her a bit because she seemed to get a little better as the night went on after that.

I had her rewrite the letter though because its a touchy situation and she needs to be kind to her mom despite what she really deserves.

I feel like I should have been there more for her but she was still really closed about it last night. Still really angry and she needs time to be angry, to hurt, to heal, but she can't do that by Wednesday.

God, please be with Hopie.

I went to church with Hopie today. I stayed over at her house last night. I played some of my songs for her but she was really upset and I couldn't do much about it. There's a lot of shit happening to her now that she doesn't deserve. I can't believe she isn't breaking under all of it.

Church felt weird. Its been a long time since I have been in that kind of an atmosphere. The people were really nice and really welcoming but it just wasn't the same as Kennedy.

And I thought maybe the sermon would hit me and I wouldn't be numb anymore but I still am. I couldn't believe myself. All that Hopie said should have had me crying and it normally would but I just started talking about my little problems because I didn't know what else to do. I miss God and I miss being close to my friends. I miss caring, I miss loving, I miss me.

Like one of my favorite songs goes:

Note to self I miss you terribly, this is what we call a tragedy, come back to me back to me to me

And I was just looking at some of the pictures of me at that movie night with Kyle and Kim and Dallas and everybody and I just don't fit in. I don't feel right among them. I come from a different kind of life than they do. And they're good people. But they made me feel stupid and insignificant because of it.

Like Derek. He is such a nice guy, but he's so nice that he makes me feel bad that I can't be nice and outgoing back, its just not in my personality.

I miss Nick too. At least he left me a message this time so I know he's still there. I gave him my phone # so we can talk. But I don't think he has his cell back yet.

I still have four days until I turn sixteen and things are already getting more and more complicated. I feel like my parents don't love me anymore, I am starting a relationship with someone who seems right for me but is too old for me, my best friend is having the worst week of her life, my brother is becoming one of my best friends, my mom is trying to wreak havoc on who I am and I am SO far from God. What the hell is happening to my life?